Today is a special day for mothers around the world. Flowers, gifts and social media greetings everywhere. Of course, it will not be special if I didn’t post my personal greeting to the special woman, the mother of my daughter– Evelyn.
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I also knew for a fact that some of my readers are aware in my personal relationship. Well, for some who don’t, let me tell you a short description of my life. My mom left me and my sister when I was around one-year old. My aunt was the one who brought me to the province. She said that I was turning dark, sickly and I might die because of an illness. I don’t know the real reason and it might be unclear but the relationship of my parents wasn’t in good terms at that time. My mom can’t manage to take care of us. My grandmother , back when she was still alive told me that when I was brought at the hospital, she told my grandma that she needs to go to her mother in the province but she’ll be back. So, she left me and my sister in my grandmother’s care. After that, I never saw nor heard from her ever again.
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When I was growing up, I was forced to depend on myself. I learned to lean on no one. I don’t know how to express it but in all honesty, I never looked for her. In the same way, I never felt any anger or hatred against her. Of course, there was once a longing. There was once a pain of not seeing her, but that’s just it. I grew accustomed of having no mother. I learned the art of not giving a f*ck towards her. I learned to not show any emotion.
Every mother’s day, I write a letter to my grandma or my aunts. Well, whenever I have a mother’s day project in school, that is. It was a cycle. I don’t know why my mom doesn’t want to look for us. Or even just an attempt to do so back then. That is, if she is still alive somewhere out there.
There will always be a longing. There will always be a void in my identity, my being that only my mom can fill. I don’t know how it feels to have a mother. I am glad that my daughter never experienced it. I don’t know if she is still alive. I don’t know if she is looking for us. I don’t know if that might come, to see her personally. I will never know what was she thinking back then. What was her reasons for leaving me behind. I don’t know if there will ever come a time that we will cross paths. I don’t know if I want to see her. I don’t know if I love her. I don’t know if aborting me is much better than leaving me behind. Those are the many “I don’ts” that I have in my life, that I might never know the answers.
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Mothers, love your children. Let them understand what you are feeling. Let them feel that they are loved. Don’t let them suffer the consequence of your decisions. They never wanted it, they don’t deserve it.
Happy Mother’s Day to all! Thank you for the life you had given us- your children.